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The Endless Woes of 'Bed Beard'
Hello fellow bearded fellows. Today, we are here to discuss something of the utmost importance. Something so somber that we must now disclaim, before you should read any further, that this post is not for the faint of heart. Today, we must confront, head on, without any more dilly dally, the seriousness of a condition that afflicts us all, everyday of our lives, but one which we must continually rise up against and overcome, for our only other choice would be to roll over and accept it, and that, my friends, is simply unacceptable.
Have you every woken up beside a beautiful woman with whom, just the night before, you had a sophisticated discussion on the relative merits of Paul Thomas Anderson’s early works over a delicious single malt scotch and some soft musical accompaniment, courtesy of your not-altogether-fiscally-irresponsible Mcintosh tube amp? Then, as the night carried on in a rather promising direction, you two got lost in the music and each other, with a passion only felt by those who’ve been grazed by an angel’s wing? And then, upon awakening as peacefully as any morning you can recall in your adult life, you roll over to greet or awake or embrace your newfound muse, only for your caring, loving gaze to be met with one wrought with confusion and, yes, possibly a tinge of disgust? What could possibly have elicited such a facial gesture from such a kindred spirit?
We’ll tell you as if you didn’t know, but of course you do, and there’s simply no shame in it, because there’s also no volition driving it. It is simply and entirely a force of nature that cannot be changed, but can only be reckoned with as mortals reckon with the stars. The reason she’s looking at you agape: your beard looks like Bill Murray’s (or, if you’re blonde, Woody Harrelson’s) head in Kingpin. Not that you’ve lost most of your beard to sudden-nocturnal-facial-baldness syndrome (which we have no evidence to suggest actually exists), but that the weight of your head against your pillow has mashed, spread and sent your beard across your face with what looks like the force of hurricane-gale winds.
It’s not a particularly attractive look, and we suggest that you step out of bed, take a personal moment, and tend to it calmly, coolly and, most importantly, quickly, but there’s nothing abnormal about it. It’s only a sign that you’ve done a splendid job thus far of growing out your beard, and it’s now long enough to be susceptible to “Bed Beard.” Congratulations are in order, for you are now a seriously bearded man.
- Jacob Smith