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Beard Clean Up:
A Rather Messy Mess
A trend has emerged that may very well be as prevalent now as beard growing, and appears to be something not necessarily anti-beard, but certainly something not altogether conducive to growing or having a beard. This popular new thing that has presented itself as a bit of a blessing and a curse can be found anywhere that there’s a gastro pub and folks willing to push the envelope. You see, it used to be that a burger might just contain some cheese, tomato, onion, lettuce and possibly some bacon. Now, with the advent of artisanal everything, you’ll be hard pressed to find this classic combination anywhere, that is, without an excessive array of additions that give way to a veritable leaning tower of beef.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this propensity and desire to stack ever higher, stretching the expanse between buns until the two can scarcely be pushed close enough together to allow the taking of a bite. It’s actually quite an exciting time for burger creators and enjoyers alike. It is, however, a dangerous time to be a heavily bearded diner-out who has his mind set on a burger of such magnitude and complexity. It’s true, they’re difficult to avoid; the mouthwatering goodness can be smelt from across the restaurant, and even the list of ingredients has you salivating before the meat hits the grill. Nevertheless, these immensely decorated burgers can wreak certain havoc on the beard of an unsuspecting patron. (Be especially wary of the sweet, sweet decadence of the runny fried egg atop many of these tall burgers, for nothing will generate such a messy mess as this one addition).
Though there is sadly little that can be done to avoid the inevitable mess, short of utilizing knife and fork to sever only the smallest pieces at a time to pass into your mouth without the torrential downpour of sauces and juices onto and into your beard, there are a few measures that can be taken to mitigate and rectify some of the issue. We’ve spoken openly about beard cleaning with some regularity, but beard clean up is something of a more retroactive matter, and thus cannot be prevented against. Our best advice to you here is, short of circumventing the burger altogether [which we strongly discourage (life’s short, enjoy yourself)], have at it, dine to your heart’s content, and then, when not a morsel remains on your plate (but maybe in your beard), excuse yourself to the men’s room to wash up. Wash your hands, splash some water in you beard, run a wet comb through, so as to extract any hidden leftovers, and dry off. You’ll be fresh as a daisy and any folks you come across post-meal will be none the wiser. Don’t be overly concerned with the aftermath, as it pertains to your beard, of such an immense burger. Just enjoy and take care of yourself afterwards. Beard clean up is really nothing to be too distressed over.
- Jacob Smith