Best Beard Care Products

  • Post by  Jacob Smith May 04, 2015


Best Beard Care Products:



Any Of Them That Keep Poop Out Of Your Beard!



Well, it has recently come to light, via the results of a New Mexican microbiologist’s study, that some beards contain as much, or even more, bacteria than some toilets, which begs the question: aren’t some beards pretty &%#@ing disgusting, while some toilets are kept pretty neurotically sterile? And, even if there are some beards in New Mexico that contain actual human fecal matter, is there not a single person with enough sense out there to inquire, perhaps, what the clothing, head hair, fingernails or really any other part of the guy whose beard contained poop happened to look like? There’s no argument from Detroit Grooming Co. that some people in the world today walk around with shit in their beards. With seven billion and growing, it’s just bound to be a statistical likelihood. What we would like to argue, however, is that there is almost no way, if you’re bathing yourself anywhere near a regular amount of times per week, that you’re beard is any more susceptible to accumulating poop than any other part of your body.



The crude and now laughable suggestion that beards are inherently dirty is so bygone and roundly rejected that this study seems to be akin, scientifically speaking, to a conclusion that the world is flat, formed on the basis of some folks still adamantly denying its spherical nature (and these are probably the same folks walking around with shit in their beards). When you take a shower, you typically don’t use your own feces to wash and exfoliate your hair and body, or at least most people don’t. Instead, we typically use shampoo, and maybe conditioner, for our head hair, soap or gel for our bodies, and, now, with the advent of so many really expertly concocted beard care products, some kind of beard wash or cleanser or conditioner or scrub or what have you on your facial hair. Modern man – who, mind you, no longer shuffles about in animal pelts bopping his neighbor on the head with large petrified wooden clubs – doesn’t have unintentional dreadlocks wherever he has hair on his body, but, quite to the contrary, has dreadlocks only where and when he wants them, or otherwise has only the most well kempt and proficiently groomed head, body and facial hair.



We’d love to use this inane and almost-immediately-debunked theory as an opportunity to plug Detroit Grooming Co. beard care products as the very best, and who’s to say that they aren’t, because, in truth, they are very good, and we’re not ashamed to admit it. However, it seems that there’s a need for a step to be taken back, away, so that we can, if only temporarily, distance ourselves from this absurdity and reveal a bigger picture, wherein men around the world who have beards and the access to resources to keep them clean do, in large part, keep them clean. Exceptions to this rule (and we’re no microbiologists, nor are we anthropologists or psychologists, but just common-sense-using people) might include homeless individuals, deranged forest-dwelling maniacs, serial mail-bombers or feral children who’ve reached adulthood without being discovered. Other than that, though, and you’re probably not going to be finding too much poop in the beards of most civilized men, because, brand loyalty aside, most of these civilized men know that the best beard care products are every beard care product, as opposed to a simple and complete lack of any beard care products, altogether.



- Jacob Smith