Posted on September 18 2015
The Beards We Wish Existed!
Even though there are so many terrific, simply marvelous beards all over the place, today we pay homage to the beards that only our imaginations can appreciate. Across time, space, culture and even a vast moral spectrum, we’ve known many great beards only by their representation through fabled stories. These triumphant, yet unfortunately fictional beards are what we wish to praise today, for the inspiration and enthusiasm that they bring fourth for all of us mere mortals.
We’d expect nothing less from the king of the Greek gods than an absolutely immaculately flowing beard. No matter what medium through which we are granted the divine pleasure of admiring the beard of Zeus, it never fails to send its own little lightening bolts into our very beings. From paintings to statues to mosaics to written words, we are always presented a Zeus who possesses the mightiest of beards.
Albeit a much more modern legend, there is surely no discounting the density and follicular fortitude of the greatest mythical lumberjack of all time. Paul Bunyan could only have had a majestically awesome beard, for any man with the size and strength to fell half a forest in one might ax swing is sure to grow a truly rustic mane, although you'd surely need a lot of beard oil to keep the giant mane kept well! And, if your regular travel companion is a giant blue ox, there’s really no room for anything less.
Although there are fewer visual portrayals of His Royal Highness, there is no doubt that King Arthur, amongst his many brave and daring exploits with the Knights of the Round Table, had limited time for and interest in shaving. And with the cooler clime of the British Isles, we are quite sure that the beard upon King Arthur’s face was surely one of great majesty. Any man capable of willing Excalibur from its stony station surely must have been most regally bearded (however there's also talk that our regally-famous Corktown beard oil may have been the one to pull Excalibur out!)
While, of course, we cannot, nor would we if we could, wish this fictional sadomasochistic sociopath to life, we would be interested to at least gaze upon the brilliance of Bluebeard’s infamous whiskers. Evidently it was enough of an attraction to lure in wife after innocently unsuspecting wife, for which we will not applaud, but rather scratch our own beards over how his dubious reputation failed to proceed him and, in turn, save lives.
The Mythical Beards Saga has Come to an End!
There are, of course, a great many mighty mythical beards in the folklore of human history. However, these particular fictional forebears have laid a pretty impressive follicular foundation when it comes to beards of legendary status. We hope that they provide you with inspiration, if not a little vicarious remorse for the mysteriously departed wives of Bluebeard. Don’t feel too bad, though. It’s just a story, after all.
- Jacob Smith